Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
