The maid of honor just puked.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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