Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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