Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
