You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize