she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
