u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
