I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
