so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
