he thought i was a dude.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If I die, sorry about rent.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
