I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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