It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
