I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
