I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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