and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
