so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
