But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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