It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
