is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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