I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize