I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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