Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
