I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
