see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize