Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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