singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
