my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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