when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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