Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My vagina just clenched in fear
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
