Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
barbara walters just said penis...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
