i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
