Swine flu. Run for my life!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
