so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
