i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
