oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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