Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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