Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
