You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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