I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
