If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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