my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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