I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
