Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
