I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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