Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
