just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
