my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
