yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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