i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
