I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
