remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize