Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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