Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just high enough for therapy.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
