So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
