dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
