someone threw a dead crab at me
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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