woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
