I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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