Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize