I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
