Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My feet surprised me
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
