Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
